When I was growing up, cursing was taboo in my home. My father said “Pot Licker!” was he cut off by another driver or “Horsefeathers!” for extreme frustration when my brother and I argued. It was a different story at my cousin Lu Ann’s house where my Uncle Carl slung out swear words to accentuate his unique parental advice. There was plenty of giggling, especially from me. His kids could have written the book – Sh*t My Dad Says by Justin Halpern.
Here are some of the funniest quotes from the book.
On Shopping for Presents for His Birthday:
“If it’s not bourbon or sweatpants, it’s going in the garbage . . . No, don’t get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is bourbon and sweatpants time.”
On Yard Work:
“What are you doing with that rake? . . . No, that is not raking . . .What? Different styles of raking? No, there’s one style, and then there’s bullshit. Guess which one you’re doing.”
On Packing Lunch for School:
“You have to pack a sandwich. It can’t just be cookies and bullshit . . . No. I said if you packed it yourself, you could pack it how you want it, not pack it like a moron.”
On Talking to Strangers:
“Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don’t know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else.”
On Deciding to Use His Senior Discount for the First Time:
“F*&% it, I’m old. Gimme free stuff.”
Mindful Writing Practice: Write about something funny!